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The concept of love languages – the idea that people express and receive affection in different ways – has long been used as a framework for understanding relationships. The five traditional categories (words of affirmation, acts of service, receiving gifts, quality time, and physical touch) are widely recognised, but they were not designed with neurodivergent people in mind. For educators working closely with SEND pupils, and for anyone supporting neurodivergent young people at home or in school, a broader understanding of how ND individuals communicate care and connection can make a significant practical difference.
Many neurodivergent people only come to understand their own communication style after a public or private ADHD assessment – a process that can illuminate not just academic or workplace challenges, but the ways in which a person relates to others. In the classroom and in pastoral settings, that knowledge matters.
Penguin pebbling
Verbal expression does not come naturally to everyone. For some autistic or ADHD pupils, saying “thank you” or “I appreciate you” can feel effortful or even impossible – not because the sentiment isn’t there, but because direct emotional language can be hard to access. Penguin pebbling describes the act of offering a small, thoughtful object as a gesture of connection: a stone, a sticker, a drawing. In the animal kingdom, male penguins present pebbles to prospective partners; in neurodivergent communication, a similar logic applies. Educators who receive such gestures from pupils – and recognise them for what they are – are better placed to respond in kind and build trust.
Info-dumping
Special interests are a well-documented feature of autistic experience in particular, though they appear across the neurodivergent spectrum. When a young person begins to share their special interest in depth – covering detail, history, context, and nuance – this is known as info-dumping. It can look like a one-sided conversation, but it is, in reality, an act of trust. The pupil is inviting the listener into something that matters deeply to them. Staff who recognise info-dumping as a form of connection rather than a behavioural distraction are better equipped to respond in ways that strengthen the relationship.
Deep pressure
Sensory experience varies considerably among neurodivergent individuals. While some find physical touch overwhelming, others are sensory-seeking – actively looking for intense, grounding physical input. Deep pressure, such as a firm hug or the weight of a heavy blanket, can help regulate the nervous system and reduce anxiety. In educational settings, this has practical implications: understanding why a pupil seeks out certain physical sensations, or avoids others, can inform seating arrangements, break-time provision, and responses to distress.
Spoon swapping
Spoon theory, developed by writer Christine Miserandino in 2003, uses “spoons” as a metaphor for the finite energy reserves that people with chronic illness or disability manage each day. The concept has since been widely adopted in the neurodivergent community. Spoon swapping – or support swapping – means offering practical help to someone who has depleted their capacity on a given day, and accepting help in return when the roles are reversed. For schools, this framework can be useful in understanding why a neurodivergent pupil or colleague may be able to manage certain demands on some days and not others; it offers a non-judgmental language for discussing variable capacity.
Parallel play
Originally a term from developmental psychology, parallel play describes being in the same space as another person without direct interaction – each engaged in their own activity, but sharing a quiet companionship. For many neurodivergent people, this is a preferred and meaningful mode of connection. It avoids the demands of sustained conversation while still providing the regulatory benefit of another person’s presence – something sometimes referred to as body doubling, a technique used by many people with ADHD to support focus and reduce anxiety.
In school, recognising that a pupil who sits quietly alongside others – rather than engaging in group discussion – may be participating in their own way can shift how staff interpret behaviour and social inclusion.
Practical implications for schools
These are not abstract concepts, and developing an understanding of the range of ways neurodivergent pupils, staff, and parents communicate connection and care has direct relevance for SEND provision, pastoral support, and staff wellbeing. Difference in communication style is not indifference – and schools that build that understanding into their culture are better placed to support every member of their community.
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